The Adventures of Jack and Pitch's Spawn
by StargateNerd
Summary: In a universe where Pitch didn't go all drama queen and try to take over the world, Jack Frost became a Guardian rather quietly. This affects things. For example, Jack and his annoying neighbor somehow end up accidentally making a kid. They are, understandably, quite annoyed, while Conall is just bored and hungry. And also possibly the anti-Christ, depending on who you ask.
1. The Spawn

A/N: Fill for "Your kid is creepy, Jack" fill on the ROTG kink meme.

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When Jack showed up at Santoff Claussen with a dark haired little boy in tow, North wasn't quite sure what to make of it. On the one hand, he wasn't really surprised because it was _Jack_, and really, the winter spirit was bound to do some strange things after three hundred years of isolation. However, it became quite obvious that the little boy wasn't normal when he started juggling a couple of elves with his shadow. It only got worse when a yeti didn't see him, nearly tripped over him, and then the boy latched onto the yeti in way of punishment by biting its arm.

"What in the name of Rimsky-Korsakov is going on in here?"

"Gos srek bros ukk uk ka!"

"Conall, let go of Ben's arm _now_!"

When Jack finally managed to pry the little demon off, several of the elves and a couple weak stomached yetis fainted at the sight of blood dripping from a set of very sharp and jagged teeth that had no right belonging to a child. The others just looked rather disturbed. They all looked to Jack for an explanation.

"I'm sorry about that," the winter spirit apologized. "Conall isn't really used to being around so many people, though he knows he's not supposed to attack people or else he'll be _grounded_." Jack sent a disapproving look at the boy.

"I didn't hurt him that much," Conall muttered.

"Yeah, well you shouldn't be hurting people at all," Jack chided.

Conall pouted. "Dad doesn't mind."

"He also makes semi-regular attempts to take over the world." Jack turned to North, a slightly sheepish smile on his face. "Not that he has any in the works at the moment of course."

"Jack."

"Yeah?"

"Please take child out of here before I am forced to put him on Naughty List permanently."

"Wow, you'd do that?"

"Unfortunately so," North confirmed, though he found it odd that Jack really didn't look too torn up about that...

"I was on the Naughty List too, Conall; maybe you'll beat my record!" Jack exclaimed, much to the dismay of everyone else in the room. Then he started cooing over the boy and, well, it was rather creepy because there was still _blood_ all around the boy's mouth, and it was very macabre looking and North had absolutely _no_ idea why the Guardian of Fun would be looking after such an eerie little... being in the first place!

"Jack, just why did you bring him... here?"

"Hmm? Oh, I was wondering if maybe he could stay here for a while-" Jack didn't notice the abject looks of despair and horror on everyone's faces, "-but since the elves and yetis don't seem to get along with Conall, I think I'm going to ask somebody else."

"Yes, well, good luck!" North said and hurriedly (but not too hurriedly, didn't want to seem too rude after all) ushered the two out before the little demon boy could start taking chunks out of his other workers.

Then it hit him.

Jack was going to go ask the other Guardians for help in babysitting the little terror. He contemplated sending a warning to Bunny and Tooth (because really, nothing fazed Sandy), but decided against it. After all, Christmas was coming up (in about five months, but who was counting?) and it wouldn't do to lose a day of work over something the others could probably handle.


	2. Life Starts At

"You little _shit!_ I am going to murder you!"

Jack's replying cackle had a slightly nervous edge to it. On the one hand, riling Pitch up in an attempt to get him to show something other than that boring impassivity was hilarious. On the other hand, if he went too far... Well, there was a reason the Bogeyman was also known as the Nightmare King.

It wasn't like they hadn't traded blows before, but ever since Jack had accepted Guardianship (and wasn't that something, people actually _wanting _his help for once, and the Big Four no less!) their occasional meetings had been tenser than usual. Jack wasn't quite sure why, since yeah, it probably hadn't been the best idea in the entire world to decorate Pitch's lair for Christmas while he'd been sulking, but it had been so dull-looking, and that had been like a couple decades ago already!

However, he had to admit that icing over some of the bridges, as well as a good deal of those horse thingies (which looked suspiciously like they were made of sand), wasn't the smartest thing to do, even if it had been in the name of justifiable revenge after that stunt Pitch pulled with Jamie's friend Cupcake. The girl had enough problems without nightmares being added to the mix.

"**_Froooosssstt!_**"

Jack gulped and quickly ducked a tangle of shadows that came from the nearby trees. Oh boy, that certainly did not sound good at all. And who knew that Pitch could actually legitimately roar like that? A squeak that he would deny to his undying day escaped him as the forest around him seemed to come alive, shadows everywhere moving menacingly. With the wind providing an extra boost, the winter spirit flew above the tops of the trees as he attempted to get a better perspective on the situation.

_Oh, shit, _Jack thought faintly as a dark mass from below him surged upwards. He brought his staff down and a brilliant burst of frost lightning collided with Pitch's attack.

The sky became littered with frozen bits of shadow and sand that drifted downward lazily.

"Ah, Pitch?" Jack called uncertainly, seeing as a good swathe of trees had been demolished by their clashing powers. "You okay?" _Oh man, if I killed the Bogeyman I am going to be in so much trouble..._

"I'm doing just fine!" Pitch's snarl was much closer than Jack would've liked, and he had to move quite quickly, only just avoiding the giant scythe (and geez, compensating for much?) that nearly sliced him in two. "_You _on the other hand..."

"You were the one being a giant dick!" Jack retorted, retreating up into the sky. "I told you to leave my kids alone!" He ducked Pitch's next blow, smacking his staff against the older spirit's torso.

Pitch reeled back, the dark platform beneath him swirling madly. His eyes narrowed to golden slits as he bared his teeth, a low growl ripping itself from his throat. The menacing aura about him grew more intense as he tightened his grip on his weapon. Jack gulped, trying to keep his face straight while pushing down the fear that he could feel forming in the pit of his stomach.

The increasing tension came to a sudden standstill as a sharp cry split the night. This was followed by a tree being flung up at both of them.

"What the hell!" Jack exclaimed. Though he was glad for the distraction this gave Pitch, he was a little annoyed at whoever had thrown the tree, as well as a little worried, because hello! An entire tree was just thrown at them! He was fairly sure that that wasn't normal for either spirits or humans.

Pitch reached the ground first, and Jack followed behind at what he deemed a safe distance. Not that he could really see much in the dark anyway, even if the first hints of sunrise were peeking over the horizon (and come to think of it, fighting Pitch in the dark? Not the smartest of battle plans). Which was why he was taken by surprise and bowled over by _something _that came shooting like a rocket out from behind a bush.

"Hungry!" the little thing demanded, sitting on Jack's chest and looking at him with something that he wasn't quite sure would classify as a pout or a scowl. "Hungry!" The shriek made Jack wince, and Pitch, the unsympathetic bastard, sneered.

"Seems the bar for Guardianship is a little low these days if a child managed to bowl you over, Frost."

"Daddy!"

Jack totally, did not at all smirk when the brat swiveled his head, looked at Pitch with wide dark eyes, and promptly launched himself at the Nightmare King, clinging to his legs as the shadows around them writhed wildly and crackled like broken ice. Jack also didn't try to sneak off only to yelp quite shrilly as he was caught by shadows and dragged back to be an unwilling cuddle participant.

"This is all your fault," Pitch hissed as he tried to get the shadows to listen to him (and failed quite miserably, Jack would like to add not a little spitefully).

"Bite me, 'Daddy'," Jack muttered.

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A/N: I was originally going to call this "Murderous Conception". Be glad I didn't. Also, each story in this series will be tagged with "Jack is a little shit". Because he is.

Seriously. HE IS.

Also you may notice that the chapters aren't exactly in chronological order. This is mainly because this was originally a oneshot, but then people wanted more so I thought a bit of backstory was in order. There'll probably be a couple more or so as I get inspired.


End file.
